This is my old livejournal I found laying around my computer. I just thought, you know with my poetry and my seventh grade journal and everything, I could post is up here for posterity sake. I planned for this blog to be about my life and programming tutorials. I’m still working on the programming tutorials (as in, well, thinking about them). And all this old stuff, I guess is a good way to get to know me in a way. Mostly it helps me store stuff in a central location I want to look up later. So here goes. (Remember this is like 9-10 years ago):
Requisite Work 98 – Living Forever
By A. C. Gmork Labyrinthian Kadran X. H.
When living forever, all who judge eventually die,
Ultimate judgments persist, out there between all of you.
Living forever there’s no judgment, only the truth set free,
Alive forever in divine mystery, an outcast my whole life,
Growing up caused me to realize it.
Living forever begins at birth, and it starts to catch steam,
Not playing football with all the other boys in elementary.
Alpha male playing with girls, tigers, and unicorns, oh my!
The lackadaisical father of a strewn out household,
Worn out brother, a son to a mother who was stricter than my own.
No help that the über-religious girl and I flew on swings,
First accidental vagina seen, covered with warts like her hands.
Sex education underneath sliding gazebos from new third-grade kids,
Solving the age old question: who would win between Freddy and Jason.
Confiscated encyclopedias came from Adam’s girl hands,
Naked people produced babies with visuals, post Mother May I,
Daydreaming if this sex thing was bad.
At Bible school watching Mother play skits, make crafts, it was true,
A hard dust-infested world took in a punished Adam and Eve,
Death now reigned, so sex made more babies for God to love,
So I believed that maybe, if I never had sex, I’d live forever.
Brother’s goldfish died, then he became paralyzed, no one gets away sin free.
But I finally figured out how to somehow do it anyway, maybe you will too,
Elementary boys yelled sissy, but I was too distracted,
Seven years old, already taught myself how to program computers,
Age doesn’t matter when you live forever.
Sitting on my hands, computer teacher loomed over the steps every, single, time.
I suppose someone had to keep the other students from feeling bad about themselves.
Double class size in sixth grade, same jacket every day, things rolled downhill,
Lowest in the illusory status quo gave me spongy put down’s.
First time in life I learned that Jews are half-dicked German oven mitts,
Mexicans are wetvac roaches, Native Americans are tee-pee creeping tontos,
The Amish are horse-beating bun runners, African-Americans are biscuit-lipped niggers,
That all the Southern trailer trash could kick our little Yankee asses.
To a second-generation Russian-German Hasidic-Jew descent,
Best friend Jewish, and the three black kids didn’t have big lips.
Southern seventh grade ears don’t like to hear a world that they just might fear,
So I spoke in his native tongue: Why don’t you take your dick out of your ass,
Stick it back in your mouth where it belongs?”
That’s when I learned that gays were faggot pussies, and that I was a butt-pirating Roo.
The I hate you’s don’t realize they love you more than the I love you’s,
Questioning yourself is better than never wondering in the first place.
Living forever lets you be distracted, when you live forever you can wait forever,
Eventually he too will die, not accepting object-oriented C++ into his heart,
Teaching me was impossible, living forever makes all knowledge yours eventually.
Valedictorians reigned, my father, my older brother, and my oldest brother almost.
Top male of my class, all girls above,
While Ian built lasers, and Asa solved differential equations,
I dreamed and very poorly drew animal-human half-breeds.
Pretended to be a vixen that could walk and talk.
Furry when the term didn’t exist, and a transvestite at that!
When you live forever, you can take on many forms.
High School boys told me I threw girly balls, no longer cared,
Bought my computer with money from years of 4-H animal slaughter,
White meat was going to be my ticket out of there,
Classical piano, Jazz Band, and Flute in Concert Band,
Going places, they’d see, taking all my weird friends with me,
Everybody pretended to like me, but living forever you know they’ll eventually die too.
I knew that my past girlfriends were talking, wondering why I didn’t kiss them,
Why they had to ask me out first, why I always broke up with them, one after another,
Too afraid to say no, too open minded, too hopeful,
Wondering why I was always with my fourth brother.
After math problems before a television haze,
As the tears ran down her face, I told Mother.
She warned me, but living forever often makes you deaf,
Cried in bathroom stalls that this love thing had turned out bad,
A much harder answer than sex, which by now, seemed like a very good idea.
Do dead relatives watch you masturbate? Living forever, you wonder things like that,
Love couldn’t be bad though, just the break-ups like those on TV.
In our parallel beds, opened my mouth, let the darkness seep in and spoke,
Told him about how I loved his sense of humor and creativity, to watch him from afar,
How I longed for an embrace with his perfect body in the glowing darkness,
Learning that living forever, even the relatives you love eventually become dust too.
Immortals tend to forget about rejection, six year courage dashed in a quarter hour,
Suddenly utterly shut out and alone in locker rooms, maybe I didn’t want to live forever,
Colorado University in Boulder, finally free, major and classes, to choose to sleep,
Free to poke fun at potheads, to wander around aimlessly for hours searching,
Free to do my homework at ungodly hours, to burst into tears at random,
Free to obsess on every sad thing that came, to go to the doctor to get an anti-depressant,
Just free enough to down them all to never wake up again.
That’s when I learned you’re never really free when you have no responsibility.
You can’t kill yourself when you live forever, but your mortal friends and family,
All share an emotional calling plan, and it isn’t pretty.
Seventy-two hours times four is two hundred eighty-eight hours.
Although surrounded by white, blood was all I could see,
Quiet rooms with no pads, window in door, camera ceiling,
Your own sheets to bolted down bed, your time to be observed,
Little grey personage seen by everyone inside the twenty-four.
Boy interrupted dyed black hair caused little boxes in heads, why obsessed with death?
Electro-shock reply, correction, I’m obsessed with all that pushes me to want to die.
Blond dyed hair made me a whole new person, born again.
An incredible universe when you’re different than most and know it,
Most predictable when you live forever.
Bipolar stuck, flapping wind prescriptions for mood stabilizers.
The difference was fact in mania: no sleep, dissect myself with a butcher knife,
Run farther away into the darker streets, run farther away from life,
A bit difficult to hold on when you keep waking up to a completely different one!
Mania isn’t everything; medication is no substitute for morality,
Sex with girlfriend’s fiancés isn’t exactly nice,
The universe is a closed circuit: my beloved brother later slept with my girlfriend.
Broke up with my last girlfriend, told her I was gay, thought she had made me that way.
Living forever, like I’d give a mortal I didn’t even kiss that power.
The bases are pretty well covered, full gravity of their meanings lend to you their weight,
Judged because I take medication, those who aren’t insane say I don’t really need it.
Do you see your Prozac nation? Your creation, not mine,
Those who need it have crashed against harder rock-bottoms than you.
Dependency on every three month prescriptions unaffordable medication is divine,
One of two prospects, the clear cold familiar face of possible faced-before tragedy,
Decision to down a pill becomes strikingly clear,
Living forever I already upset a natural world; is it not natural that a mind helps another?
Why are you sane and I am not? Why do you die and I live forever?
I guess we’re not all born equal under the sun.
That’s why America gives us equal opportunity to bring us together.
Insanity means the opportunity to be automatically denied individual health insurance,
Opportunity to never become a Police Officer, nor an agent of the CIA or the FBI.
Homosexuality means the opportunity to never serve in the military, unless I’m needed,
My partner with temporary student visa has the opportunity to be discriminated against,
Since people are reluctant to sponsor a work visa when they can get illegals for less,
Opportunity to not be able to marry my best girlfriend,
Not fitting into OUR government’s narrowly conceived box labeled Marriage,
It would be fraud, automatically assume a monogamous heterosexual lifestyle,
But don’t call it discrimination, call it upholding our American values.
Living forever? The opportunity to watch every one else slowly die and fade away.
Teachers say I could be genius, but off in my own direction, never really fit in,
Categories don’t need justifications, just qualifications.
Most hilarious is being a furry is the lowest of the geeky outcasts,
Gay furries for some reason want to recruit your children, make spectacles of themselves,
Ruin Saturday morning cartoons, and fuck animals.
That must mean I do too, but why stop there?
High intelligence is dangerous, since libertarian Randian laissez-fair capitalistic ideals,
Would topple our welfare state, ruining the pretenders of the religious right OR left
A terrorist couldn’t possibly just be a concerned citizen.
If you want to change the world, start with your own corner first,
Doesn’t matter, the direction you work, enlightenment will always be there,
They can’t take that away from you, yet, for the best, in the end, is not being bitter,
Thanking the ever hurt me’s and the cast me out’s enabling me to see,
Essentially enemies equally as allies, life as a brand new never possible way,
Similarities don’t bring us together, differences do,
Overcoming fear creates understanding, compassion and love,
When you live forever, you tend to fear nothing at all.
To the wronged, kindness is the best revenge; peace requires first peace.
Even in face of door to door comic strips depicting gays producing AIDs,
Witches burning babies, and role-playing games as recruitment tools,
For in Jack Chick’s bible, the meek will still inherit the Earth.
Mothers want to change the world, most never start with their children first.
If I raised a great child, it would be because she could learn so much from who I am,
Raising a despicable child though, would be just one more gay spreading immorality.
Does righteousness need a book, when righteousness wrote one in the first place?
The poets and dreamers, the gays and immigrants, the potheads and alcoholics,
The prostitutes and mentally ill, the disabled and challenged,
The disowned and the criminals, the immortally disenfranchised,
Are the meek outcasts of a society bent on raising the fourth reich.
Utmost first as individuals, we are unafraid, unashamed, to not live up
To the standards imposed on us by an ever-unyielding wail of bleak terror.
Living down, into the rain-washed streets called life, bringing peace to the peaceful.
My entire life has been on the outside looking in, never truly accepted as equal,
The Exile laughing at all hilarious, hurtful things people are to one another.
It will only stop as far as what I can change before you die,
Despite this poem, even you will die too, someday, eventually.
While you quickly decompose, returning to hardened dust in a blink of God’s eye,
I will be here under every gazebo, between every kiss, with every corrupted child,
The dust blown from the ground into everyone’s eyes, the rays of every morning,
I will be here cast out into this glass kaleidescope shell always looking in,
Through every crack, forever, through every piece of trash thrown out, living,
In every unrequited love should I always breathe, everlasting,