This is my old livejournal I found laying around my computer. I just thought, you know with my poetry and my seventh grade journal and everything, I could post is up here for posterity sake. I planned for this blog to be about my life and programming tutorials. I’m still working on the programming tutorials (as in, well, thinking about them). And all this old stuff, I guess is a good way to get to know me in a way. Mostly it helps me store stuff in a central location I want to look up later. So here goes. (Remember this is like 9-10 years ago):
NOTE ADDED April 2nd: THIS IS ME ON A PRETTY BAD MOOD SWING… one of the side effects of being MOSTLY stabilized with bipolar. This one wasn’t the worst thank god (you should have seen the conversation). These don’t happen too often, but here’s the result:
So Kevin and I have this conversation on yahoo messenger right?
Turns out he deletes comments from his journal that he just doens’t agree with, eh, that’s what I expected anyway. And you know what? I’m a condescending bastard! Yeah, you know, that’s the truth I suppose, that’s what you get when you pretty much call it like you see it.
But that bothers Kevinland. It’s like when there’s a song with the word ‘faggot’ or ‘fag’ in it he bemoans the fact because he likes it a lot, even though *I’M* the freakin’ FAGGOT and I don’t even care!
I guess I pissed him off when I called him a fuckhead. That’s about the time he logged off.
Gee, I wish I could just drop everything *I’M* doing and have bound myself to and run off and become self-employed and live in Denver. It would be great to just get out and be and do everything I WANTED to do.
Oh wait, that’s right, I WANTED to do…. I remember those words… I WANTED to do.
Kevin doesn’t understand why I had such a problem with his post. See, I WANTED to do a lot of things, I’ve always wanted to do a lot of things. I WANTED to go to CU, I WANTED to do really well, I WANTED TCO to succeed, I WANTED to have XXXX fall in love with me, I WANTED to get to know my father, I WANTED to overcome my asthma and my allergies and my weak constitution, I WANTED to actually possibly be normal and straight and not have to worry about the world hating me or having an increased risk of STD’s, but no… I’m sorry, it didn’t happen. You know what happened? The real world happened.
I was kicked out of CU, I didn’t do well at all, TCO fell apart, XXXX fucked my girlfriend and didn’t tell me, Scott doesn’t talk much and you don’t really want to ask him a ton of questions, he doesn’t hang out, he doesn’t have hobbies that don’t involve haying, working, watching the discovery channel or FOX 31, or having sex with Mom, I DID overcome my asthma and allergies and weak constitution only to get FUCKIN’ BIPOLAR, I came to terms with being GAY, and the list goes on.
Now, I’m not a dumb ass, I know that Kevin has had plenty of challenges to overcome himself, he details them all out on his livejournal.
My point is this, despite all of these things, I STILL want to do a lot of things that STILL haven’t been accomplished. But am I just not wanting to get out of bed, scared of the outside world, complaining on livejournal about how I hate failing everyone, etc. etc.? Um, no. I’m sorry I did that right before I was hospitalized, and I got the fuck over it quick, about the time I got a job. Now am I saying that the things I want to do are impossible and not feasible and that I should take my head out of the clouds? No, I’m not. I think they’re great ideas.
I just think that Kevin’s got it pretty easy if he can just drop college and join the Peace Corps if you ask me, and no he doesn’t realize it, and yes, that’s pure opinion.
Current Mood: angry