This is my old livejournal I found laying around my computer. I just thought, you know with my poetry and my seventh grade journal and everything, I could post is up here for posterity sake. I planned for this blog to be about my life and programming tutorials. I’m still working on the programming tutorials (as in, well, thinking about them). And all this old stuff, I guess is a good way to get to know me in a way. Mostly it helps me store stuff in a central location I want to look up later. So here goes. (Remember this is like 9-10 years ago):
Music is Amazing
You know, I guess it’s strange to some people to have someone be there but not really be there. It’s not strange to me at all. It’s like that person is just around physically, but never really… there. It’s not necessarily that he doesn’t say anything, or have any influence, what’s so paradoxical is that he can have plenty of influence, and yet… just not seem to really be… ‘there’. And it’s not like he doesn’t have a personality, he has plenty of personality and stories, and even good advice. I mean, he’s around when you need help, and he’ll rescue you even if he’s pissed about it and yet… something seems like it’s missing, and he’s not really seemingly there…
It’s as if the relationship is so comfortable it’s too comfortable. One day I came in from school when I was in high school and saw my father sitting in his chair, watching his Fox News, and I realized, “You know, I haven’t really interacted or spoken to the main in a month… or more!” This man LIVES at our house, it’s not like he’s traveling or works long hours, he’s there, every day in the living room, either reading, solving a logic puzzle, putting together a jigsaw puzzle, or watching TV. So I thought, “You know, maybe I might want to talk to him.” And then it hit me. I had this strange fear of talking to him. I didn’t want to re-confirm everything I already knew about him… not that I didn’t like who he was, I LOVE who he is. I mean he IS a part of me. Part of me didn’t want to get involved in a ‘Scott’ conversation either where he talks, and I nod or say ‘Yeah,’ because if you argue he just gets frustrated that you don’t seem to understand and the conversation will go on forever because that’s the power he holds over his children. LOL I’m making him sound mean, and he’s really REALLY not mean. So I just continued on, with this new realization and just kept myself to asking him questions I knew he knew and learning from those. That’s easiest and most safe. But… where’s my father?
I don’t want to sound stupid, whiny, or spoiled, I mean, I HAVE a father, a REAL father and a GOOD father… but sometimes I read about or look at, say, Kevin’s father and their hobbies or interests and things that they do with their children and lives and I look at my father and kind of go… something’s missing. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not disappointed in my father or anything. I’m rather proud of my father… it’s just kind of a strange situation.
If I lost you or you think I’m totally out of it, then just ignore this post, but Kevin understands what I’m talking about, he was the first person to really bring what had been in my head for a long time to the surface of a conversation. I don’t think the psychologist even knows about this strange complex. Oh well, maybe I should tell her, maybe I shouldn’t. I only see her once every three months now, at my own will, so that’s good :-D. Yay for me, I’m on meds only. Only took a year and a half.
Talk to you guys later,