This is my old livejournal I found laying around my computer. I just thought, you know with my poetry and my seventh grade journal and everything, I could post is up here for posterity sake. I planned for this blog to be about my life and programming tutorials. I’m still working on the programming tutorials (as in, well, thinking about them). And all this old stuff, I guess is a good way to get to know me in a way. Mostly it helps me store stuff in a central location I want to look up later. So here goes. (Remember this is like 9-10 years ago):
News Release – January 31st, 2005
Local Cult Leader In Car Crash
© 2005 Disassociated Press (Gmork Inc.)
Local cult leader Asher Holley apparently crashed his car traveling south bound on interstate 25 towards Denver from Fort Collins. Approximately a mile before E470 the vehicle he was driving, a dark green Pontiac Grand Am SE that belongs to his brother and former cult leading partner, first hydroplaned right into a patch of black ice then proceeded to collide with the center concrete median at a speed of approximately 35-45 miles per hour.
“It was like the car was a marble on a glass coffee table,” the ever descriptive Asher told reporters, “And the whole car lost it instantly. All four wheels just disconnected with the road.”
The front driver side fender and headlight made contact with the center median at approximately 12:35 AM on Saturday – January 29th, 2005. At this point the vehicle was deflected, swinging the rear of the vehicle around also towards the center median. The driver side rear fender and wheel hit the center median propelling the vehicle across the interstate to the opposite side concrete median. The passenger side front fender then collided with this concrete median, compressing the single-frame body of the car into the passenger side door hinge promptly causing it to be unable to open.
“This was where things get unclear and I can’t remember quite what happened,” the aspiring cult leader reflected, “Somehow we deflected off of that median much like the previous median, although I think the rear of the vehicle was able to avoid the concrete that time. Yet we ended up facing the same direction again, sideways across the interstate. I think somewhere in that exchange of momentum the car was able to spin around once more.”
Also involved in the accident was Maus, Asher’s boyfriend and future partner in cult leadership.
“Miraculously the car was still running once we came to a complete stop,” Maus recalled, “Adrenaline was running through my body like a pissed off Maria Callas as I realized our predicament so I told Asher we were sideways. He seemed to be in a bit of a stupor for a couple seconds. Then he pulled the car over to the side of the exit onto E470. I couldn’t believe what he said next though…”
“Once I pulled the car over to the side of the exit ramp entrance I sighed, ‘Well, that was exciting.’,” Asher smirked, “But I don’t think Maus quite appreciated that when he exclaimed that it truly was not. I thought that an odd comment on his part given the obvious amount of adrenaline running through his body. Amazingly, I had very little adrenaline through the whole thing. I suppose that was handy because I didn’t get the shakes or have to go to the bathroom in the middle of no where.”
A good samaritan who remains unidentified pulled over to help the two aspiring metaphysicists, as well as a road utility vehicle. The road utility vehicle reported that he had called the Colorado State Patrol and that they’d be there to take Asher and Maus to wherever they desired. However, after waiting until 1:15 AM the good samaritan, his passengers, Asher, and Maus decided that they would just drive to Maus’ apartment.
Asher proceeded to make an insurance claim report, whereupon he was hung up once on and became upset about it. Then he called the State Patrol and told them he hadn’t abandoned his vehicle. Finally he was able to get the vehicle towed to the parking lot behind the Macaroni Grill in the nearby shopping center off of Wadsworth Boulevard. Amazingly he did not receive a ticket for reckless endangerment/driving. However, his vehicle was being investigated again by police when him, Maus, and Neyote stopped by the vehicle on their way to retrieve a small supply of Asher’s psychotropic medications. Asher proceeded to have the car then towed to a body shop in Highlands Ranch (the only place that would take it on Sunday).
When asked how this might interfere with his plans for the future Asher replied, “It won’t interfere. Plans for the collectible card database and superstore site are well underway. The only thing that might get in the way is possible whiplash. That was a pretty intense first collision. I’m going to the chiropractor this week however to find out about it and inform my partner Maus.”
We asked a cult rebel and close friend of Asher’s, Kevin, what he thought about the accident. “I told Asher that he needs to take more time focusing on the road instead of Maus’ enormous penis,” he replied, “He seemed to take it well.”